The Jokes Page.......!
Apologies in advance for any offence taken, its all meant in the best possible taste
The following are ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "Family Fortunes".
If you've ever doubted that the families who appear on this show are of sub-human intelligence, doubt no longer - they are all morons and Les Dennis is their King...
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?)
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
---
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
- - -
Workplace Wisdom
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress, but I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
21. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
22. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. no use being a damned fool about it.
23. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
24. Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
25. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
26. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
27. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
28. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
29. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
30. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
31. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
32. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
33. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
34. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
35. Following the rules will not get the job done.
36. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
38. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- - -
Brains
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber . I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
- - -
Keep them Coming !