Five Men and a Lady?

Day One – The Voyage.

‘Well, disappointingly our contingent this year was down to six, however of the six three were Alkmaar virgins and one other had somehow in the past avoided death by Hanilton’s beer kitty.

Four of us set off early Friday morning, Becs had already travelled on the Thursday to spend a night in Amsterdam and Tim would follow us later on the Friday (by Business Class we learnt later). Smithy had a mission, to get our honourable Captain bladdered. Having lined up two willing volunteers to help him in this task - so to breakfast, two lagers, two Guinness and fours sausage/bacon baguettes. Oh yeah and two more lagers and two more guinesses. Well as the bar was open it would be rude to have got the barman up at 8am for nothing.

The plane was on time and barring Bruce deciding he ought to buy a present for his hosts after boarding had been called, we boarded on time. Smithy as usual had bought the Times to read, but we all saw the Beano tucked in side. Well at least it kept him quiet. Bruce was shocked and surprised to learn, that after having gloated about selecting an escape exit seat (hence more leg room) and taking the mick that we hadn’t, that we all infact had the seats he coveted and he didn’t. He he! – just goes to show how chaos theory sometimes provides greater certainty!

I’m pretty sure that as he was sat separately Bruce managed to avoid an in flight drink (even though it was free – note to all, KLM is as cheap as Easyjet these days and you get a bit of service!). I’m also pretty sure that this re-doubled Smithy’s resolve to engineer Bruce’s fall from grace.

We landed at Schiphol at lunchtime. Then came the problem – where was Hammy to guide us. Whilst all of us travel regularly, there is something rather lovely about not having to think for yourself, so Hammy was sorely missed. Luckily uncle Colin had provided us with a fools guide (so naturally Andy H had a copy!) for getting to Alkmaar, which to be fair did ultimately get us there albeit that none of the ticket machines would accept any of our credit cards, presumably Interpol had been warned following previous visits. So the Kitty was born. I decided to volunteer recognising that each time we get back from Alkmaar Hammy seems to buy a new car. What a mistake that was – the final Kitty total was 21 Euros which was gobbled up by Hoyes Cars at the trip’s conclusion.

On the way to Alkmaar we stopped off in Amsterdam to meet Becs – and of course to have the traditional beers in Smiths Station view Coffee House. Bec joined us and started as she meant to go on by downing the only Pint Glass on the table. Whist still looking as stunning as ever, she was perhaps a little green round the gills. Whilst we never pursued the issue (and I’m not sure why not as there may have been a story there) this had resulted from late night, hostel living and two people met in a bar! – Good Girl, there were perhaps memories of trips when us old timers were young!

So to Alkmaar.

We got there – got our bikes at Alkmaar Central bike shop (Colin as usual carrying the deposit risk) and Vincent and Pim turned up in Pim’s boss’ Monster Jam Truck to carry our bags to our host’s houses, presumably driving over the top of any car that got in their way. Anyway – thanks lads!

So too priorities, Belgian chips (double fried with choice of sauces for those readers who are uninitiated) followed by the usual educational session in the famous beer museum.

By now we had our itinerary so were looking forward to the boat trip followed by Pizza at Colin and Nicolien’s.

It turned out that ‘Boat Trip’ was Dutch for Irish Pub, COOL!

The boat trip also turned out to be manually propelled, well the rating was certainly high, so this greatly assisted Smithy’s mission vis a vis Bruce Almighty (well almighty hangover as it later turned out). Gradually our Dutch friends joined us in ever greater numbers. Despite Colin’s directions however, clearly his Dutch still needs some work as the subtlety’s perhaps of his accent seemed to guide Wim and Janneke to the bar next door. Perhaps Irish Pub in Dutch means pub next door to the one with the massive Shamrock outside. Ah well – this minor glitch was soon put right by the global satellite technology contained within Colin’s mobile.

I’m pretty sure we spent at least 4 hours in the ‘Boat’ rating 6 per hour, with us and the generosity of our Dutch friends seeming to up the rating in a mutual display of who can buy the most rounds quickest. He he – needless to say a great time was had by all – especially Bruce who now seemed to have resigned himself to his fate (well almost, there was the odd whimper!). Becs was smiling more now – and as you all know her sunny smile almost takes over her face. Guess the original hangover was subsiding. However clearly her smile didn’t mean bike riding competence as she seemed determined to knock me off mine on the way to Colin’s

So somehow we arrived at Colin’s unscathed for Pizza and more high rating! Hmm! – gets a bit hazy here so be prepared for detail deficit. Bits I can recall:

• Nice Pizza
• Lots of it
• Green bottles
• Sandwiched between Becs and Chantal – he he!
• Me and Smithy last two out the door with our lovely hosts Hilde and Ivo
• Get on bike
• Get home (how did that happen must have been a teleporting bike with homing pigeon skills)
• Offer of more beer – and I guess acceptance
• Bed. WITH SMITHY – OH MY GOD!. Well guess I’ve had worse!


Day Two – Training and Culture.

Selection for the first boat was tough. 5 Men, one women, 3 bow siders, one stroke, one competent sculler (and Bruce).

So Tim sculled – cus he kinda can. Turns out he is a young Arnold.

Becs coxed (a first!)

Andy H swapped sides to stroke side.

I stroked and Smithy tucked his head firmly down into his massive shoulders on bow side (he’d be over 6 feet tall you know, if he ever removed his head from under his shoulder blades or out of his -----! He he!)

So the ‘dream four’ was born. Think we were all looking forward to the walk in the park the next days race would be – after all how painful can 6.5k metres be!

One boost for the team however – mission get Bruce bladdered had clearly been delivered with gusto. Sorry Wim and Janneke that your large white telephone was so well used reporting back to the UK Friday night.

Next after eating our packed lunches on top of snacks in the club house we set off on our bikes for the afternoon’s cultural visit. Well it was supposed to be via bike but in the end we went by Monster Truck. How cool!

It’s hard to describe what we went to see other that it was boat based auction house (with acres of covered moorings for the boats), where in years gone by boat loads of goods e.g. potatoes were sold to the highest bidder. The auction house had a canal running through it, bidders sat on either side and bids were cast on a chicken basis. I.e. Rather than bidding upwards (which the museum staff showed takes a long time – you know, who will give me £35, £36 etc etc) a countdown clock is set off starting from a high price and the winning bidder is the one who stops the price countdown clock first. The trick being to hold your nerve, however if you hold it too long someone else stops the clock before you and then buys the goods at that value. In this way each auction take no more than 30 seconds! – and then another boat load floats through.

Next it was a boat trip amongst the thousand Islands (small man made plots of land) where crops were planted, grown and harvested at all hours by small boys from cramped boats. What a life! But the sun was now shining, Friday night was taking its toll, so myself, Bruce and Smithy kept with tradition and took the opportunity to have a little snooze (photographic evidence is available).

The evening was spent in a local restaurant. Good food and great company. It is a huge testament to our relationship with our Dutch friends, that despite our small numbers this year, and the absence of some of our bigger characters, the Dutch still turned out in huge numbers. There must have been at least 35 of us in the restaurant. The whole evening and indeed the whole weekend felt no different from previous years. We did the same things, as usual we were made to feel very welcome and whilst I was myself a little nervous about how our numbers would impact – the reality was it didn’t. Those that missed out were those who chose not too, or were unable to come. I know some felt this as at least 3 people rang or texted me from the UK to see how things were going. So to All – I say next year come – it is an awesome long weekend, totally relaxing, totally fun and the guys over there have been our collective mates for over 20 years now. OK that’s the advert over.

Evening conclusion – more beers. Home early for most of us. Ivo stayed on influenced no doubt by Jaap. Think Andy H also stayed on?. I know Ivo regretted his decision next morning. He he!. Hilde and Ivo – I know you read this. So thank you so much for looking after me and Smithy (apart for making me sleep with him). It was great to really talk with you this year (Fry/Hamilton usually monopolise) you are both lovely and your daughter is great fun – and also has a good right hook by the way.

Day 3 – Race Day

The morning was taken up on the finish boat for division one. Far too much responsibility I think to trust pissed up Brits with accurately recording the time. The first task was to synchronise stop watches with the Dutch starters. Due to some rather quick Dutch and some time delay translation by Colin (he he!) me and Bruce screwed it up. We got it right second time.

Point of interest for those who have been before, Wim, Janneke, Pim and Vincent have clubbed together to buy the Finish boat which they are working on to turn it into a holiday craft. Lots of hard work done – lots still to do.

Point of interest 2. Vincent is setting up his own business growing flowers in Spain with a partner for sale out of Holland. Was trying to explain the concept of coals to Newcastle but let’s face it my Dutch leaves much to be desired. Actually it seemed like a good business (better weather etc) and I have no doubt knowing Vince that he will make a huge success of it.

PM. We raced. Actually it was a surprisingly good row. We finished, I only heard Smithy swear once, we held some good crews longer than they wanted, we blocked the Alkmaar veteran eight (your fault lads you should have taken us before the bridge), Becs didn’t hit anything, we made it through the 90 degree turn under the row back bridge and then we had a! beer.

Tim finished in a quiet way.

We had another beer and Smithy went to buy the Burgers (taking some Kitty), he came back with boiled faggots in bread rolls (having made a tactical u-turn himself to sausage!).

We had another beer and another etc etc....

Then came Prize giving. It was the 25th anniversary of the AA Race and us Bathites got a mention. Do you know that we have now been going there for 22 years. I think I went the 3rd year, Andy Ursell probably went to the first one. I’ve had wives shorter than that!. So again we were made very welcome. And guess what, Tim had won the veteran sculls. Wow – well done Tim, a well deserved medal. I think he also beat our time – ah well!

The four came second in our category, but to be fair the last crew made Smithy look young!

More beers....

Good group this year replacing the Jazz band of old. Bit like status Quo does the Pussycat Dolls.

More beers....

Superb buffet curteousy of an old couple sourced by Vincent. Many trips back to it, very yummy.

Then to some serious drinking and gossiping with our Dutch Mates. Getting a bit hazy now. Kinda remember getting the German Sculler and his Mum drunk. Kinda remember Andy Hoyes chatting up said Mum. Kinda remember discussing Andy’s pre Elaine conquests and Elton John – he sure gave a mean pin balling anyway! (he he! – thought that was good Andy). Kinda recall lots of photos.

All in all the party was jumping, the beer was flowing (and as usual frothy), the Matijs was Rose, Becs was Flushed and that’s probably more than enough detail. It was a great end to a great weekend.

Day Four – The Voyage Home

We met at the station to return the bikes. The usual Wendyesque knowing glances and memories dulled by excess. The sad goodbyes to great friends. And again having to find our way home without Hammy.

We got to the airport, checked in, Me Becs and Smithy were told they had sold our seat twice (an accepted and legal airline practice – how does that work can someone tell me?), waiting to see if we had a seat, we did in the end and were upgraded to Business Class, which again hacked of Bruce who had checked in online – he he!. Losing Tim – who we later found had scuttled off the the Business Class lounge not wanting to associate with commoners – he he!. Flight home, free beer and Business Class food. And Finally Hoyes Cars home.

A great weekend – come next year.

The Dutch were talking about coming over in numbers this October and Myself and Smithy have volunteered to organise. Any offers to put the Dutch up, especially from those of you who live in central Bath will be welcome.

Sorry this has been so long but wanted to convey how great the annual trip is so that those of you who haven’t been don’t lose the opportunity next year.


Mike Ashman